"I don't own emotion...I rent..."

Sometimes I feel like I wear a mask.  It's painted with a smile and helps to promote happiness in those around me.  Though underneath, a particular sadness prevails.  I believe part of this sadness comes from not currently enjoying where I'm at in my life.  I don't love my job, I've struggled with building true, deep, trusting friendships since I've moved to Utah, and I wish nothing more than to be married (which at this point feels like a completely unattainable goal.)  I often find myself alone and lonely.  

Another part of this sadness is caused by a feeling of disconnect.  In church today, we talked a little about pre-ordination and how, whether we realize it or not, so many of us have been preordained for certain responsibilities in this life.  And because of things that are written in my patriarchal blessing, as well as the testimony I've built regarding the Church, I know that my role on this Earth has great potential.  The problem is that I feel so far away from where I need to be to reach that potential.  Just like everyone else, I have often made stupid decisions.  And these stupid decisions have led to a feeling of disappointment in myself.  I've tried to use the Atonement to heal these self-inflicted wounds... but I find that forgiving myself is much more difficult than attaining my Heavenly Father's forgiveness.  It's hard, you know?  Knowing where you need to be... but not quite having the courage or strength to get there on your own.

I've heard some people say that the solution is simply to choose to be happy.  Like it's that easy.  You just wake up in the morning, saying, "Today, I will be happy."  And that's it... POOF!...happiness achieved.  Um....no.  That's not how it works for me, anyway.  I feel like it's one thing to be an optimist (which I'm not, by the way) and an entirely different thing to actually be happy with your life.  I think really being happy requires many more choices.  I've tried the "fake it 'til you make it" approach, but ended up doing way more "faking" than "making"...

The choices we make often end up dictating the way we feel.  Making a good or "correct" choice often leads to a good or happy feeling.  Making a bad decision often leads to despair.  Sounds simple, right?  But some choices are a little more complicated.  For example, cutting someone you care for out of your life because they are a bad influence... it's a hard decision to make because initially you feel sad and maybe even a little hurt... but you have to hope that eventually it leads to feeling happier.

Right now, for me, happiness is located at the top of a giant mountain... I can see it... but I'm still not quite sure how to get there... There are several different paths I can take, but I can't see more than a few feet  down any of them, so it's unclear which one will lead me closest.  I know I must choose, and am grateful for the knowledge that if I pick the wrong one, I can always readjust my course in hopes of finding the right one.